Press statement republished courtesy of BP
LONDON — We here at bp have decided it’s time for a change. Today, we are calling on ourselves to be better, while also being realistic about what an oil and gas company can do for the climate when 99% of our products are made of dead Cretaceous plants. Don’t worry, the change isn’t that we’re going to stop making these products. We’ve tried. Kinda. After spending millions on an algae biofuel program that successfully generated thousands of online ads (albeit zero biofuels) we decided to refocus our efforts on what matters most — our image.
That’s why today we’re proud to announce a new name that highlights what we do best: Barely Progressing. It’s a name you can trust. Here at Barely Progressing, we’re an energy company, not just a fossil fuel company — kind of like how Amazon is a bookstore.
We doubled our profits to $28 billion in 2022, but it would be super not on brand if we used that money on tried-and-true renewables like wind and solar. So we gave our marketing team a huge raise, bought back some stock, mailed some checks to our favorite legislators, and threw a crisp Benjamin toward a wind farm as an investment in our Instagram’s future.
Long ago we were called British Petroleum, because the British Empire was really cool. Then, we wanted to make sure the peasants everyday consumers don’t just associate us with our main product, fossil fuels, so we shortened it to BP. Then a couple years ago, we decided capital letters are too scary, so we went with simply bp — like the sound you’d make spitting out your water when you see our new Beyond Net Neutral Zero Carbon Offset Hopefully Maybe by 2100 goal!
Details for this plan to produce less oil and gas will be announced in the near future, ideally once you have forgotten we said it, and all that remains is a vague recollection that Barely Progressing is cleaning up its act probably somewhere.
UPDATE from BP
Upon further reflection, BP is changing its name again, this time to Basically Petroleum, because our hearts just really aren’t in it. We are proud of what we accomplished in our 28 minutes as Barely Progressing.
If you’ve made it this far, you’ve probably realized that this is an April Fools joke. What’s decidedly less funny is the IPCC’s most recent report, which clearly states that to limit warming to 1.5°C above pre-industrial levels requires deep, rapid and sustained greenhouse gas emissions reductions in all sectors. Emissions will need to be cut by almost half by 2030, if warming is to be limited to 1.5°C.
RE Sources supports genuine efforts from the energy sector to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, but we need less PR spin and more action. Goals for decarbonization need to move up, not back. Northwest Washington is already making great strides to transition to renewables, shift to electrification, and reduce (and ultimately eliminate) reliance on fossil fuels. Sign up to join us in these efforts in the critical months ahead.
And if any of this made you laugh or cry, please consider giving a gift to RE Sources work to transition Northwest Washington to a clean energy economy that works for all.
